Gifted students share with all of us the need to develop strategies for facing disappointment.  The following suggestions were developed as a result of parent requests for help in dealing with disappointment.  For some gifted children who have always had everything going for them, facing frustration can be especially difficult.  They may need time and support to sort through their thoughts and feelings.

 All parents have developed skills in dealing with their children, and all children are different.  These guidelines are intended only to complement what you already know about the way your child responds to situations.  It is hoped they will serve as a reminder of points already known by you, and perhaps represent some perspectives previously unconsidered.

 In addition to the suggestions, some goals have been offered which can help focus your role as a supportive parent dealing with the difficult issues of disappointment and perceived rejection.

PARENT GOALS

1. Monitor your message . . .
There are both verbal and nonverbal ways to let the child know that you are willing to devote the needed time and energy to this discussion.  You may  want to pay especially close attention to nonverbal cues such as eye contact, facial expression, physical distance, direction you are facing, and other physical distractions.
 

2. Defer your judgment . . .
We all need time to explore our own reactions without feeling the pressure of right away "measuring up" to the expectations of others.  Deferring or postponing judgments about what you hear provides psychological safety to the child for a period of time.  This allows him to initially concentrate upon himself rather than upon pleasing others.

3. Make the opportunity . . .
Children may have difficulty identifying or discussing their feelings.  Sometimes it is difficult to even tell there is a problem.  One indication to watch for is when the child is not displaying emotions at a time when an emotional display would be expected.  Other times the child may mask his feelings with bravado.  Starting the discussion in these cases is difficult, but crucial.  Try listing a variety of feelings which the child could be feeling and have him choose the one most closely resembling his own.

4. Allow time . . .
Nodding, interrupting, or finishing sentences for the child is sometimes used to encourage responses.  However, these behaviors may put pressure on the child to think too quickly and to scatter his thoughts.  When a child pauses, it gives him time to explore his thoughts and feelings.  Having the opportunity to talk freely about something may help him to arrive at his own solutions or come up with his own advice.  Permit this "positive pause" while remaining visibly, though nonverbally, supportive.

5. Listen empathetically . . .
Empathy is the art of being able to enter into the experiences of another.  The trick is to tune into the child's reactions and avoid mistakenly assigning our own.  Children don't always mirror our reactions.  Sometimes they feel more strongly disappointed, and other times their reactions are surprisingly mild.

6. Focus on the child . . .
You may choose to share a similar experience with the child in hopes of showing that you can relate to what the child is thinking and feeling.  But this technique serves to refocus attention away from the child.  In some cases it causes him to feel that you are not attentive or that you don't really care about what he has to say.

References:
Florence I. Wolff, Nadine C. Marsnik, William S. Tacy , and Ralph G. Nichols.  Perceptive Listening.
 New York:  Holt, Rinehart, Winston:  1983.
Pat Elling, Lee Gray, and Gail Swagart, school psychologists in Great Falls, Montana.
*Adapted from Tempe, Arizona, parent handbook